A Cup of Coffee

I found a place to have a cup of coffee, and do some writing, I’m going to add this to the blogs that I have been writing lately. I’ve been in a bit of turmoil these last few days, and I fear that things have reached some sort of crossroads. My situation isn’t good, and I don’t know what to do at the moment. I’m going to go to church in a couple of hours, and see what happens with that. Ever since I returned to church so many positive things have been happening. I wonder is it coincidence, or some higher power directing my ways? Hmmm…. I’m a believer so I have to go with the latter, and say that it is a higher power directing my way. I’ve reached a pass now, and I don’t know what to do except to keep believing, and know that I will be delivered from this situation. I can’t believe that I have come through all that I have only for things to fall apart now, and not have a resolution, but I know that there will be a resolution of some sort I just don’t know what it is yet or it hasn’t been revealed to me yet. I had a dream last night that I was at a bar, and drinking again. I’m sure that it was the devil, and those demons trying to lure me away from what I have worked so hard to accomplish. It was really scary, and I don’t want to have any thoughts like that. Ever since I was almost killed back in October of 1992 I don’t have dreams anymore because of the PTSD that I was diagnosed with. I have a dream, or the beginning of one, and it turns into a nightmare or I’ll only remember that I had some sort of dream, but I wake up with no memory of it. This one was different though, it was very clear, and I remembered most of it, which was very disturbing, and quite frankly scared me a bit. I need to talk to someone about what is going on, and hopefully get some help in the process, and hope that things get cleared up so I can concentrate once again on what I am trying to accomplish. It’s funny because in the past I wouldn’t be reacting this way I would have been acting out in a different way, but being sober, and thinking straight now things are better, but I’m still worried, and a bit pressured. I’m not expecting much, if anything to happen this evening or tomorrow for that matter, but then again you never know what is going to happen or what direction you will be lead. I am in this situation for a reason, and I’m not 100% sure what that reason is, but I know it is something. Every time that I want to quit something tells me not to quit, every time that I get stressed out, and feel pressure some voice tells me that everything will be fine. I am on a journey, but this one is different from the other ones that I had. All of those journeys ended in disaster, and not very positive. Even though things are negative at the moment I have no choice, but o keep believing that things will be as they are supposed to be, and I will continue on this journey, but when I return to going down this road I will do it with more clarity, and more direction than ever before. I feel like I’m in some sort of movie, sometimes I look at what is going on, and think that this can’t be real, but it is, and I’m living it, but I will live through it, and show everyone that you can rise above where you are, and succeed. When things are at  their darkest I think back to Psalm 23 “Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I shall fear no evil” I went through all the things that I have alone. Losing weight, quitting drinking, changing some other things, but I still have more demons to excise, and I will. I believe that there was a reason for all of these things to happen in my life at this time, and I’m thankful that I have made it this far, but there is so much more to do, and much more to accomplish. I know that there are a lot of people that won’t read this because it is rather lengthy, and I understand that, but then the ones that do read all of this to it’s conclusion will probably be wondering what is the purpose of it. I wrote this for me at this time because I am scared, and I needed to humble myself, and ask to be moved forward from this situation that I find myself in, but I want people to know what thoughts, and demons I am fighting at the moment, and what I am doing to fight back, and stay on the road that I have been on for a while now. I’m actually feeling a little better now, writing always helps because you can bring what’s on the inside to the outside, and deal with those issues. Talking about what is troubling you, or in this case writing, is often the first step to taking a journey of betterment, and understanding. I put my faith into a spirit that I can’t see, but I know it’s there. I put my life into hands that I can’t see, but I know that they are there also. I put all of what, and who I am into that which has brought me here because I believe that the journey isn’t finished, and my purpose hasn’t been revealed to me yet, but it will be soon. I trust in this voice inside me, even though last night I was attacked by evil that unfortunately is always there, and surrounds us. This evil wants you, and me, and wants to take from us when we are at our weakest, and that is exactly what happened last night, but it was only a matter of time before that happened because I felt myself getting weak, and starting to revert to the ways of the past. Even with them entering my thoughts, and dreams they couldn’t succeed. To attack someone when they are at their weakest is the purest sign of a coward who is afraid. I had to write about this dream that I had to come to terms with what is going on, and to also understand, and acknowledge that I had started to become weak, and that I needed to get this out because if I didn’t the consequences of my inactivity to the situation could have been dire, and I don’t want to go back to how things were or how I was. I’ve been through enough already, and lost a lot because of what has already happened. With these final thoughts I say good evening, and also good night. I will go, and remain on the road that I have been traveling. The journey is filled with fear, darkness, evil, demons, insecurity, temptation, and awakenings of all kinds that are to be endured, but once the end comes it will all be worth it. The journey doesn’t end at a destination, there is not a destination, there is only enlightenment, illumination, understanding, and faith. There are plateaus that we strive for, and once we reach one we go to the next one. If you settle for something in this life, then your journey is finished, and you have reached a destination. I will not stop at any plateaus because there will always be others to strive for, and that is what keeps you always moving forward, and for me will push me until I am called home, and my eyes are closed for all eternity. With these final thoughts I say goodbye for now, and I will go to find the meaning of what is going on, and how to get back on my journey. Thank you,

Kurt