Monday Motivation

The biggest motivator in life is the people that would attempt to bury you, and leave you to the vultures, the worst part is when it's those closest to you, the answer? 
SUCCEED! Prove the doubters,and haters wrong, rise, and be all that they could only imagine, but be ready, for they will attack you with greater vengeance because now their animosity towards you has only increased because of your success. To those that would do such things, pray that they find peace in their lives, and wish them well. Have no hate in your heart for only then will you be able to rise above their hate for you. They will not understand how you can have this peace in your life, but be sure to thank them for it is because of their hate, doubt, and contemp that you have persevered,and rose above all that they wished they could become.
#mondaymotivation

Terror

Is someone chasing me, am I chasing something? Terror, guilt, pain I've known. My soul cries out for that unknown, without a tear I cry, what has happened to my life, what have I left inside? Run though I may I fear not for I am on a road that has no end only a beginning from which there is no start.

Demons die, spirits cry, My mind wanders lost without you, in my heart emptiness, unfulfilled eternal darkness things that die, morbid fear I hear the voices calling near, run from them, run to them, decide to live, decide to die. I've died inside 1,000 times in a day.

No help anywhere, fight this fight alone, that is how it must be.Dead today, redeemed tomorrow, why worry with all this sorrow, time has ended, spirit ascended, I awake to find that I am still running in my mind, but then I find, it is but a dream that is ending.

Evil laughs at me, Satan can't have me, I run to the Aleutian fields peace has found me, all that was is not remained, but the memory of a life that was a dream is gone inside me.

"Come to me" they call, can this be all? What wonders are there? Is this all fantasized, or have I died inside? Night comes now, darkness filled, I smile as they cry, defeat me not, but I will see them again for they live in the recess of my mind to find me again once I close my eyes for all time, until then I walk alone with no fear of the unknown.

A Cup of Coffee

I found a place to have a cup of coffee, and do some writing, I’m going to add this to the blogs that I have been writing lately. I’ve been in a bit of turmoil these last few days, and I fear that things have reached some sort of crossroads. My situation isn’t good, and I don’t know what to do at the moment. I’m going to go to church in a couple of hours, and see what happens with that. Ever since I returned to church so many positive things have been happening. I wonder is it coincidence, or some higher power directing my ways? Hmmm…. I’m a believer so I have to go with the latter, and say that it is a higher power directing my way. I’ve reached a pass now, and I don’t know what to do except to keep believing, and know that I will be delivered from this situation. I can’t believe that I have come through all that I have only for things to fall apart now, and not have a resolution, but I know that there will be a resolution of some sort I just don’t know what it is yet or it hasn’t been revealed to me yet. I had a dream last night that I was at a bar, and drinking again. I’m sure that it was the devil, and those demons trying to lure me away from what I have worked so hard to accomplish. It was really scary, and I don’t want to have any thoughts like that. Ever since I was almost killed back in October of 1992 I don’t have dreams anymore because of the PTSD that I was diagnosed with. I have a dream, or the beginning of one, and it turns into a nightmare or I’ll only remember that I had some sort of dream, but I wake up with no memory of it. This one was different though, it was very clear, and I remembered most of it, which was very disturbing, and quite frankly scared me a bit. I need to talk to someone about what is going on, and hopefully get some help in the process, and hope that things get cleared up so I can concentrate once again on what I am trying to accomplish. It’s funny because in the past I wouldn’t be reacting this way I would have been acting out in a different way, but being sober, and thinking straight now things are better, but I’m still worried, and a bit pressured. I’m not expecting much, if anything to happen this evening or tomorrow for that matter, but then again you never know what is going to happen or what direction you will be lead. I am in this situation for a reason, and I’m not 100% sure what that reason is, but I know it is something. Every time that I want to quit something tells me not to quit, every time that I get stressed out, and feel pressure some voice tells me that everything will be fine. I am on a journey, but this one is different from the other ones that I had. All of those journeys ended in disaster, and not very positive. Even though things are negative at the moment I have no choice, but o keep believing that things will be as they are supposed to be, and I will continue on this journey, but when I return to going down this road I will do it with more clarity, and more direction than ever before. I feel like I’m in some sort of movie, sometimes I look at what is going on, and think that this can’t be real, but it is, and I’m living it, but I will live through it, and show everyone that you can rise above where you are, and succeed. When things are at  their darkest I think back to Psalm 23 “Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I shall fear no evil” I went through all the things that I have alone. Losing weight, quitting drinking, changing some other things, but I still have more demons to excise, and I will. I believe that there was a reason for all of these things to happen in my life at this time, and I’m thankful that I have made it this far, but there is so much more to do, and much more to accomplish. I know that there are a lot of people that won’t read this because it is rather lengthy, and I understand that, but then the ones that do read all of this to it’s conclusion will probably be wondering what is the purpose of it. I wrote this for me at this time because I am scared, and I needed to humble myself, and ask to be moved forward from this situation that I find myself in, but I want people to know what thoughts, and demons I am fighting at the moment, and what I am doing to fight back, and stay on the road that I have been on for a while now. I’m actually feeling a little better now, writing always helps because you can bring what’s on the inside to the outside, and deal with those issues. Talking about what is troubling you, or in this case writing, is often the first step to taking a journey of betterment, and understanding. I put my faith into a spirit that I can’t see, but I know it’s there. I put my life into hands that I can’t see, but I know that they are there also. I put all of what, and who I am into that which has brought me here because I believe that the journey isn’t finished, and my purpose hasn’t been revealed to me yet, but it will be soon. I trust in this voice inside me, even though last night I was attacked by evil that unfortunately is always there, and surrounds us. This evil wants you, and me, and wants to take from us when we are at our weakest, and that is exactly what happened last night, but it was only a matter of time before that happened because I felt myself getting weak, and starting to revert to the ways of the past. Even with them entering my thoughts, and dreams they couldn’t succeed. To attack someone when they are at their weakest is the purest sign of a coward who is afraid. I had to write about this dream that I had to come to terms with what is going on, and to also understand, and acknowledge that I had started to become weak, and that I needed to get this out because if I didn’t the consequences of my inactivity to the situation could have been dire, and I don’t want to go back to how things were or how I was. I’ve been through enough already, and lost a lot because of what has already happened. With these final thoughts I say good evening, and also good night. I will go, and remain on the road that I have been traveling. The journey is filled with fear, darkness, evil, demons, insecurity, temptation, and awakenings of all kinds that are to be endured, but once the end comes it will all be worth it. The journey doesn’t end at a destination, there is not a destination, there is only enlightenment, illumination, understanding, and faith. There are plateaus that we strive for, and once we reach one we go to the next one. If you settle for something in this life, then your journey is finished, and you have reached a destination. I will not stop at any plateaus because there will always be others to strive for, and that is what keeps you always moving forward, and for me will push me until I am called home, and my eyes are closed for all eternity. With these final thoughts I say goodbye for now, and I will go to find the meaning of what is going on, and how to get back on my journey. Thank you,

Kurt

Depressing Day

Well here I am at the end of my proverbial rope. I know that I messed up by not doing a better job with what money I had coming in, but now that I need help there is no one around willing to help me. I have this great idea for my restaurant, but I can't get the funding or find anyone to partner with to get it going. I had a chance with some guys to do something, but come to find out that I have been basically wasting my time these last 2 weeks with them. That was time I really didn't have. I don't get it, I have all of these dreams, and visions in my head, and I'm so close to achieving everything, and then I'm far apart once again. I tried to do a go fund me, but it hasn't been going too good, and I'm really running out of time, and money so I thought that at least I could write about it, that seems to help somewhat. I shouldn't complain, and that's not what I'm doing, but you would think that with all of the people I hear about who get funding or help with things like this that I would be able to do the same, but it's been a total, and complete failure in every sense of the world, and I'm drained mentally. A beer was sounding really good a few hours ago, but I didn't get one. I think that I'm past that stage in my recovery, and I don't need that in my life anymore, and the temptation is gone as well. If any of you read this here is the link to the go fund me that I put together. Thanks, and have a good evening.
gofund.me/jyy6v7hw